Hello again, friends. Alisha here--attempting to keep the Sunday evening doldrums at bay. Fearing the prospect of opening my work email and anticipating the sound of that dreaded alarm clock in a few short hours, I am reflecting on the weekend and trying to get organized. Cam and I spent the Thanksgiving holiday catching up with family and friends in Southeastern Wisconsin and are now facing the start of another busy week.
Yet somehow, I rarely fear that Cam and I will disconnect in the midst of a busy week.
Cam and I have always have to be highly adaptable in our relationship to one another. About a year ago we had gotten into the practice of "Celebrating Disaster" after a particularly challenging few months had caused us to find new avenues to connect in positive ways as a couple. We had to adapt in order to survive our ordeals that added stress to our relationship. Fortunately for us, we have had fewer disasters to celebrate as of late and have been bidding for connection in different ways as we have settled into our new lives on the prairie.
After spending a lot of time together over a weekend, or at the end of the long day, we find that we don't always have much to talk about but we want to connect in some meaningful way. Our solution to this is reading a book together. Rather, I read to Cameron. I have always been a committed reader, and Cameron enjoys books but is not the voracious reader that I am, however we share a similar sense of intellectual curiosity and exploring that curiosity together is a wonderful way to connect. We recently finished the latest Gary Shteyngart novel and are now onto a book about the profound impact social networks have on our lives. Through these connections we have learned more about each others' worldviews, values and perceptions than we would by simply chatting in the hopes that these sorts of issues would arise organically. Indeed, I feel like I know Cameron more as a person and a friend after our ongoing conversations about our books than I would have otherwise.
When we tell people about this ritual, they often ask where it came from. How did we think to do this? It arose from a bid for connection. Cameron and I were on a road trip and I was reading my kindle. The conversation had lulled and I got so excited by the contents of my book that I want to talk about it with him, editorialize, project, discuss how the plot might twist. But I couldn't do that. We were not keen to discuss anything else at that moment, but I was desirous of a connection with him, a need to discuss this experience...and so it began. I started reading to him. We select books together on a range of topics that interest us both, and it has become a source of excitement.
It may seem cheesy, but we have both come to a greater understanding of one another through this joint intellectual engagement. In a way, it's like taking a short vacation from our every day lives; we table the frustrations of the day and focus on something that we are only sharing together at that moment, even if it's only 10 minutes before bed.
My sense is that couples struggle to connect on an intellectual level--or it's something that is not sought by many or considered important to the health of a relationship. Without some sort of regular intellectual connection, I cannot imagine life for us as a couple to be terribly fulfilling at this time.
I think the lesson here is that we have different needs as individuals and couples--those needs evolve over time and require an adaptive approach. We just have to be flexible and creative about meeting those needs. Be attentive and honest with ourselves about where we can find ways to connect and grow. For now, I'm looking forward to our next great read!
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